Ode to Narcissism
I am 24 years old and past my prime.
True story. Not that it matters.
kateapproximately@gmail.com
AIM: kateapproximated
I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Voyeur - word of the day
persistent observer of misery or scandal: a fascinated observer of distressing, sordid, or scandalous events
Not everyone there reads your blog because they want to watch the fireworks, Rose.
I didn’t even know you had a blog until all of the drama, or I would’ve followed sooner. I follow most of the TBY’ers that I know have a blog. Well, the interesting ones, anyway.
I’ve said very little about the whole situation, and plan on taking that path. I don’t have a side and I don’t want one. It really doesn’t involve me.
It's times like these...
and moments like this where I think to myself, “What is the point?”.
Maybe I’m just not meant for meshing with other people.
This Pessimism Aint Going Anywhere...
And I’ll tell you why.
For almost the past two years, I’ve been trying to open the mind of the one I love to the sexism that exists within the world, and tonight was kind of a set back. A mini set back. If even. But frustrating and angering and sad to me, none the less.
He is not stupid. He is not totally blind. He sees the world as it is from his own perspective, just as I see it from mine. There are differences. There are always going to be differences, because people are different. Their experiences, their ideology, their tunnel of vision… it is all different. I get it.
But the beautiful thing about open-minded people is they are willing to let another person’s view in, so that maybe, just maybe, their limited perspective can be expanded or built upon to include things they otherwise would not have been aware of.
We do this a lot. Sometimes in big ways, in big conversations. Sometimes in quick ways, in a “Oh, I see!” moment. But mostly, we do this in a small way, in small conversations, gradually. And those “Oh, I see!” moments come after some reflection and observation of the world with new-found… perspective.
Anyway… tonight, we had a set back, as I’ve previously stated. He made a stupid comment, that comment was applied towards a thing… a thing which he has previously admitted to me I have helped change his mind about.
No specifics, but in a nutshell… if he really has changed and become more aware, as he has claimed numerous times he has, then he knows he is in the wrong and is simply too proud to admit it.
If he truly believes he is not wrong, then he is not who I thought he had become.
It’s not what most people would see as a big issue, if you look at it on the surface. But if you dig deeper, it’s a pretty big fucking deal.
Sometimes...
I become overemotional and lose my mind a little bit.
For what it’s worth…
It's been awhile...
I have been doing lots and lots of traveling this summer. Pictures to come soon.
The only albums I’ve been listening to lately are the new Rancid and a Weezer cd with some of their “hit” songs.
It’s the boyfriend’s birthday today. We’ve been celebrating all weekend, and I’m tired as hell.
Saw “The Ugly Truth” last night. Not as bad as I thought it was going to be. Although it did make me want to kick Gerard Butler in the face. I still like him.
Trying to understand what drives previously adored artists to sink into mediocrity for apparently no reason at all.
Yeah, you.
Don’t bitch about “venom”, “hatred”, and “misdirected anger” being slung in your direction when you engage in the very same behavior yourself. Like Wyclef said, “They say two wrongs don’t make a right”…
And, if I were you, the last thing I’d do is talk about other people’s need for attention. It only serves to highlight your own.
I still love you - but you’ve gotta open your fucking eyes.
It’s exasperating.
It's Official.
Everything is a conspiracy.
Top 20...
Country is the shittiest form of music ever invented.
I just listened to a new song by a “formerly” bubblegum pop-inclined singer, and low and behold… she now has some twang.
Really?
I ask again… Really?
I’m seeing a pattern here:
- LeAnn Rhymes, et al. show that if you’re blond and female, you can sing “Country” and be cool (i.e., get fucking rich).
- American Idol jumps on this bandwagon a little late after seeing the longevity of Faith Hill’s career.
- Carrie Underwood and Kelly Pickler release Pop Country albums, reinforcing the idea that if you’re blond and female, you can make Country cool. They add “nice-body and rack” to the description.
- Jessica Simpson, realizing that she is blond, female, has huge boobs and a toned body, sees an opportunity to cash in on the Country cash cow, and releases a country album and goes on tour to support it.
- Aforementioned former bubblegum pop’er jumps on bandwagon - and has a little secret weapon added to her armory - just because. Well, just because the illusion of legitimacy will make her country seem more authentic and, thus, more discernable from the rest.
I am totally fucking disgusted right now.
I may just have to stop listening to anyone on a major label.
- Toni Morrison
Sometimes it’s hard to face things that we don’t want to see. Especially when we see ourselves practicing a certain kind of ideology that is most likely inescapable.
I write a lot of shit, but I very rarely write something true. So let me give it a shot, even if I fall short.
Love is complex, because it is full of conflicting notions. And I honestly don’t know how much of what I know or comprehend of love is dogmatic practice, how much is genuine emotion… how much is constructed, and how much is natural. I don’t know. I can only guess.
And right now, I’m feeling pretty shitty about my version of love. I’m perplexed by the ways in which I express my love, my limits in terms of loving someone or being loved by someone, my expectations and whether or not they are unreasonable or whether I am questioning their reasonableness because someone else has judged them unreasonable…
Where do you draw the line? How do you stay true to your convictions without being closed-minded? How much can you bend before you break, and is breaking good, or is it bad?
The only way that I know how to love someone is by fully loving them. In every sense of the word. And this includes both claiming them sexually, and deeming myself theirs sexually. Which has a whole lot of implications about my view of femininity, feminism, and even humanism. Why is the sex so important?
I like to believe that I am all that my lover requires sexually. I like to believe that they are only attracted to me, because our love is so strong.
I know this is stupid, and unrealistic, and perhaps even wrong… but I still want to believe this, and I still find myself, when in love (which is rare), clinging to this ideal version of love and relationship with white-knuckled determination. I will not let this go.
And I actually ask my lover to lie to me - to tell me this is true. So I can stay, and be content, and maybe even happy.
And when a lover can’t grant me this lie, it really depresses me.
So, what does that say about me?
Nothing good, I’d wager.
Mmmmm (via stalk)
OH.
MY.
GOD.
This is like combining four fantastic things in one.
My mind just exploded.
