Ode to Narcissism

Rapunzel

I never really fully believed that whole “eternal loneliness of the human soul” thing applied to me, Queen of ever-connectedness, but I think now I’m someone that likes to mask my insecurities with outright denial - like bros and their homophobia.  A hypocrite that isn’t fooling anyone, except herself.  

I really hate this feeling.  I know that a woman should be a person, an individual, a whole being, first and foremost, without a man… blah blah blah.  And, in theory, I wholly embrace and fully believe it.  In practice, it fucking sucks.  I get lonely, too.  Sometimes I get in such a panic about being alone that I reach out to someone I can’t even fucking stand just because I know if I throw down my hair, they’ll climb it.  Better to have loathsome company than no company, right?  Ugh.  Makes me sick, too.

I perpetually fuck up my relationships, and I wonder why, every 4 or 5 years, I wind up in exactly the same chaotic panic.  Hmm.

Well, fuck…

That was bound to happen.

It was a nice run.  Now, I’m back where I started.

Yeah, I know… you told me so. 

I shouldn’t…

be thinking of him, but I am.

Well…

Almost everything is rose-tinted in retrospect.

I’ve been thinking alot about the past lately. Perhaps partly as a result of some dissatisfaction with the present. I’ve also had some reappearances.

I feel myself getting older. And I’ve gotta say, it seems both right and frighteningly wrong.

I finally have some things to say again.

Applying to Grad school…

Going insane.

Working crazy hours at 3 different jobs.

Thank god I’ll be in Vegas for St. Patrick’s Day.

I guess I’m just no good at relationships.

I need a break for awhile.

I just don’t have it in me anymore.

It is…

amazing to me how many people rip Octavia Butler off.

I wonder if anyone has ever seriously investigated this. 

I also can’t help but notice how many tv shows/songs/etc are HEAVILY influenced by Adams’ The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

I understand, at least partially, why men are the way that they are.  Damp environments promote mold growth.

At the same time, I’d like to believe they are smart enough to see past or to overcome this.

Sadly, again and again, experience proves me wrong.

Sometimes I just don’t see the fucking point.

Perhaps (certain breeds of) snails have it right… asexuality may be the answer.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.

It’s times like these…

and moments like this where I think to myself, “What is the point?”.

Maybe I’m just not meant for meshing with other people.