Ode to Narcissism

San Francisco...

was amazing.  Made some very dear friends for life (I hope).

There’s so much I want to write about, but I don’t know… maybe I should wait until I have time to rest and reflect and maybe gain some perspective.

Maybe I’ll just give some shallow highlights for now:

• Met the girls and loved them all;
• Ryan walked by us while we were in line for the Fillmore show.  I stepped back to give him more room whilst simultaneously squeaking (quietly);
• Some (handsome) guy offering me his pants outside of the Fillmore when he could see I was freezing;
• THE SHOW!!!;
• All of the new and amazing songs at the show; and
• Outside Lands.

I would love to go back.

Give me some time and I’ll blog something better next time.

In the meantime… <3

jennijenjenjen wrote this, in response to my response

dradams:

 DEAR BILL GATES OR RON HOWARD or WHOEVERMAKESTHISSHIT

blah blah snowballstextme

r

 It was Al Gore.

Am I Headed For The Same Brick Wall?

Just some thoughts on my mind today.

Sometimes spending time with yourself is ok.  Really.  And maybe everyone else had this figured out long ago, but it took me some time and a lot of feeling really low and unlovable and just downright pathetic for me to finally figure it out.  I mean it.  I have been the loneliest of the lonely.  And it was painful.  But my god… it feels so good to know that even if I die alone, I’ll be in good company.  My own.  And fuck it if that sounds arrogant.  I am not the greatest person in the world by all standards (or maybe any standards), but I’m good enough for myself, and that means something to me.

Now on to honesty.  I want to be an honest person.  I want to be someone that can, when the time is right, cut the bullshit and face something head-on, even when it’s unpleasant.  I want to be the type of person that can observe his crying, look into his eyes, and tell him that for now it is over, and that I am not in love, and that I will try to be there for him, if I can, but if I can’t, I’ll go.  And that no matter how much it hurts, and I know how bad it can get, he will have to move on.  And I want to be able to say that in the most sincere and least narcissistic way possible.  I loved you, but it’s over.  And I’m sorry.

Now you can go your way, and I can go my way.

I don’t know if I will ever have kids.  I almost did, once, but I didn’t.  And that “almost” was fleeting and quick to die.  I think babies are cute.  I like children, and yes, like most people, I also become annoyed at their antics and noises sometimes, but generally I don’t hate kids.  I just don’t know if I am cut out to have any.  The only time I really think about having children is when the person I am with expresses a desire to have children.  It is not something I would think of on my own.  This makes me wonder if I will one day end up like those horrible excuses for mothers and human beings who have children simply to satisfy their lover/boyfriend/husband/whatever.  And if that’s the case, I should be sterilized now.  At the same time, the thought of having a child does not frighten me so badly anymore.  Maybe it is because I am getting older.  Maybe I do have a maternal instinct or whatever sexist term they use for the “calling” to have children.  I don’t know anymore.  Maybe I would be a great mother.  Or maybe I would be a terrible and selfish mother.  How much thought should I put into this?

I like the names Lily, Zooey, and Sophia for girls… and Elizabeth.  And Sylvia Louise, for Sylvia Plath and Louise Erdrich.  Wouldn’t that be sweet.

A Plague of Doves is still waiting to be read in my room.  I think I keep putting it off because I hate the wait between books so much.  I have been waiting a long time for this one, and I want to savor it.  I don’t want the experience to be over so quickly.

There is something about the feeling of a man’s hands running through my hair that I can not get enough of.  That, and the sweet, warm kisses they give you right at your temple when you’re lying in bed together, real quiet and sort of sleepy-like.  That is the stuff that makes all of the other bullshit worth it.  Or maybe it just seems that way now, pre-bullshit. 

“Am I headed for the same brick wall?” 

I guess I’ll find out.

This is what I like best.

Goodmorning.

For the sake of closure, I am just gonna tell you that I decided not to blog about work.  It’s just work.  I’m mad, and disappointed, and unhappy, but it’s just work.  There are more important things to share.  I’m not going to waste time complaining about it here.  This is my space to share, and I’m going to share something worth sharing.

I went with my friend to a Universalist Unitarian service yesterday.  I loved it - she didn’t.  Well, love is a strong word.  I liked the people.  A lot.  Especially this old white-haired guy who you know was some bad-ass rebel activist in the 1960’s, listening to fucking hippy music and smoking weed.  He got up to talk about this group session thing they tried out (did I forget to mention they have no “minister” in the Summer, and the members just basically meet up on Sundays and sing and discuss shit?  Well, yeah.  There you go).  Anyway, he got up there and started talking about the group sessions, and one of the first things out of his mouth was, “You all know how anti-establishment I am.  I did not want to do the group meetings.”  He teared up a little talking about how much he learned about each person in his group, and how connecting with other people through diverse and open dialogue is what it’s all about… just beautiful.  I am not a convert (I don’t even know if you can technically “convert” to UU), but I enjoyed the atmosphere.  And for those who don’t know - UU is basically a melding of a bunch of different ideas from a bunch of different religions.  Its focus is on communication and connectivity between people, not so much the mythical and blood-soaked religious stuff.  They cull out the good ideas… they save the baby, and throw out the dirty bath water.  There is no real structure.  Just dialogue.

My friend didn’t enjoy it as much as I did.  After the UU service, she took me to her church - The Church of Religious Science.  And I gotta admit… her Reverend (a woman) said some amazing things, and I left there feeling uplifted and more human and compassionate and just overall well. 

These churches aren’t about “God” in the traditional sense - there are bits of that in there, but no - I am anti-religion, anti-establishment, anti-anything that represses and is negative.  They are churches which promote open dialogue, and connecting with others, and connecting with yourself, and focusing on the positives… all good things.  I am still partial to the UU church, just for the record.  And the UU building is lovely.  A little old red clay building right by the Mission Inn and the big Catholic church in Mission Inn Avenue.  It’s smaller by far than the others, but it has so much character, you notice it more.  Plus, they have this sign in the front where they always put quirky little messages, like “Communication is key” and shit like that.  Beautiful little place.

Oh, and I also shopped.  A lot. 

Things are progressing well with the new guy.  We are so different… and maybe that will be our downfall, if we have a downfall.  But for the time being, it is refreshing having my idea of what a certain type of person is blown to shit.  It’s nice to be wrong sometimes.  It really is.

I leave for San Francisco on Friday.  The show at the Fillmore is Saturday, then that festival on Sunday to see Jack Johnson, then home by Monday.  I am supposed to meet up with Mikey to have lunch in the city at some point.  We’ll see if that happens.

Alright.  I have to do some work.  Be back soon - I hope. 

This is bullshit.

Yeah.  My boss counter-offered with an insultingly low raise.

Counter-offered is not the correct term.  He flat-out told me that is what I am getting.

I almost walked out today.  I am that furious, insulted, and hurt.

Total bullshit.

He is definitely not my favorite person right now.

Time to find a new job.

Why are lawyers so cheap?  Don’t they realize they would be ABSOLUTELY NOTHING without their support staff?

Obviously not.

There is more to this story.  I will blog later.

Steady My Soul and Ease My Worry...

I have been listening to a lot of Cat Power lately.  Chan has an amazing voice. 

Vegas was a lot of fun, but it was also equally frustrating.  I will never stay at the New York - New York again.  It was a pretty fucking terrible experience, and their Assistant GM is an ageist and sexist prick.

That aside, the Hard Rock Hotel’s pool is very nice, although the typical crowd populates it in the summer.  I felt I was missing the huge fake boobs and orange-tinged tan required to fit in.  Pink Taco is not overrated, their food is actually good and modestly priced (for Vegas).  Body English is hilarious, and I actually had a good time drinking, dancing, and people-watching while there.  I don’t care if I ever actually go there again, though.

The new guy and I fought a little, which was almost entirely my fault, I will admit.  We made up, though, and the rest of the trip went relatively smoothly.  I see why he loves Vegas so much.  It’s a lot of fun.  If I were richer, I would go out more often.

My boss still has yet to talk to me about my raise.  He said he would on Monday.  It is now Tuesday.  We’ll see what happens.  I know I am getting something, I just don’t know if I’m going to get what I want.

My San Francisco trip is coming up and I am nervous, excited, scared, and a bunch of other emotions jumbled together.  

My ex and I went for a drink before I left for Vegas.  He was fine until we got in the car to leave.  It was excruciatingly painful to hear what he had to say.  He cried, and told me that I was ”right about everything.”  He says he loves me, he can’t be without me, he compares every other girl to me and doesn’t see the point in dating anyone who isn’t me.  He wants to be together.  He doesn’t think we can just be friends.  He will not be able to handle it if I get a boyfriend.  He is terrified that I will fall in love with someone else and forget about him.

My response was a combination of “Everything will be ok” and “I just need time.”  I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I have been done for years.  I was emotionally cut-off from our relationship the last year or so we were together.  I have love for him, but I am not in love with him.  I am done.  How could you say something like that to someone?  How can anyone be so cruel?  I can’t do it.  Maybe I’m a coward.  So be it.

I have been bowling a lot lately.  My arms and legs are sore, but in a good way.  The new guy likes to bowl, so that is a plus.  He also likes to go to the movies.  That is also a plus.  The ex never wanted to do these things.  He never wanted to do much of anything.

Speaking of movies, we went to the drive-in the other night.  I hadn’t been to a drive-in movie since I was, like, 8.  It was great.  I remember now why it was so fun to go as a kid.  I saw “Pineapple Express” and “Step Brothers” (double-feature, yet another great thing about the drive-in).  I didn’t much care for the company, though, other than the new guy.  His friend doesn’t much care for me.  I am not his type of girl.  And the date he brought is an idiot.  Maybe I’m just cruel, but she seemed like an idiot.  A 21 year old blond, unapologetic for her rudeness and vapid to boot.  In her defense, she was nice and somewhat friendly before we left the house, during our games of beer pong.  The other couple were friends of hers.  The other girl was also an idiot.  Perhaps I should be nice and just say they weren’t my type of people.  Or I could continue to be honest.

I am scared of this new guy, and of this relationship that is developing.  I like him a lot.  He seems like a good person.  We get along well (and we fight, but the making up is nice).  I think most of our fights are my attempts at sabotage due to my fear.  I am trying to stop this, and things have been better since I have acknowledged what I have been doing.

I’ve got to get to work now.  A Stock Transfer issue is calling my name.

<3

Koalas ain't hard, they some little bitches: The next internet meme?

This is sad… and hilarious.

yurztruly:

This essay was written by an 8th grader in Pittsburgh in the spring of 2004. The assignment was to pick an enangered species, and explain why it’s important to save it. The typos and formatting are preserved from the original.

Richard XXXXXXXX
Draft 2

I shouldn’t do shit. I don’t care about them they all could die and it won’t affect my life. I know a lot about them but I don’t need to think about them. They’re just a waste of time koalas are stupid they don’t help me with shit so why should I help them. If they all die there will be more room for the panthers and all the other hard animals. Koalas are weak a pit will get rid of their whole fucking family. That’s why I don’t like koalas.

Koalas have sharp claws but they are weak. They all small and fat and they be climing trees. I hope a storm just come while theyjust chilling up in the tree thinking they is hard and they’re will all just fall off. They just break they neck and shit. When they fall they claws are going to fall off and they going to be crying like some little bitches.

Koalas aren’t hard they some little bitches. They start climbing up the tree soon as they see a deer from like 50feet away. They stupid as hell they should put their brain in their pouch and put the kid in they ten they’re be able to think better. They try to be in the fucking kangaroo family. They weak as hell, talking bout they got a pouch a kangaroo so they their cousins and shit.

Kangaroo’s have some big ass legs and whot do a koala got? Some little ass legs, they tails is little and weak as fuck kangaroo’s got a big ass long tail that can kill a fucking koala.

If a koala goes in the water it won’t be able to breathe with its little short ass. It’d fucking drown soon aas it take one step into the water. While they at the river trying to get something to drink a bear could just come to him and snatch its ass up. It doesn’t know protection because they don’t have protection. What they little ass going to do? It can’t scratch him. The bear will beat his fucking ass.

The important think about koalas is that just don’t care about tem and let them die by all the other animals in Australia. They’re not important just let nature do what it do and kill them. Koalas do not have a place in this world there’s not enough room for all the bitches in this world. So let all the koalas that’s in the zoos and shit. Let them go and put them back with their family. If you let them all go they won’t nothing except for that’s what they was put in this world for.

Now you know why koalas aren’t important. They have nothing to do except for sitting around in the trees. It’s like they just was like they was sent have to die. Koalas don’t do nothing to help anybody. Thre would be just one more relative of the kangaroo that will be six feet under. Now you know why koalas are not important because there are dumb.