Ode to Narcissism

Stereotypically feminine thing to blog about...

Last night, I had pretty much the best date ever.

There was nothing super extraordinary about it, and I am still not sure about the guy, but the night went well, I had a great time, and I’m so happy that I went.

I’m a little terrified of dating - I’ve canceled on this guy more than once - but something told me to give him a chance last night. And I’m so glad I did.

I still want the married man - but I don’t know what will happen there and I don’t want to know. I know it’s wrong, and I know some people are probably going to think less of me, but this is the selfish truth: I want what I want, and life is too damn short not to speak up for what you want. So, there it is. I guess I’m just a bad person. In my defense, though, I am not actively pursuing him. I’ve been keeping my distance, as has he. We’re trying to be good.

I’m sharing too much. Oh, well.

The Bad Girls Club = so, so crass. Yet, I can’t stop watching. The reunion episode is the worst/best.

Alright, I’m off to start my Saturday.

Oh, and my Native American Studies professor gave me the greatest idea ever - I’m going to compare Sherman Alexi’s life with those of the characters in his books to see what the similarities and differences are and analyze them. I am going to come up with a hypothesis concerning which character is closest to him. I’m thinking it’s Victor, but Thomas is probably a little there, too. I’ll blog more on this later.

I am a fucking idiot.

And I will give you one guess on why.

mmm hmm.

You’re absolutely correct.

To quote Tori Amos:  “When will I learn?” 

Wow.

I just listened to it and I was bawling my eyes out.

It’s true, beautiful, and fucking heartbreaking.

I have been neglectful...

And I’m sorry.

Ok, now that I have had time to step back and analyze my reaction to this “new” person (who is actually not new - we have known each other for awhile now), I am in a better place.

Maybe I’m in love.  Maybe not.  I certainly feel something, and am so excited to be feeling something for him.  But I don’t know if it’ll work out.  There are a lot of obstacles.  The only thing I do know, for the first time in my life, is that I do not want it to sour if it doesn’t work out.  I have always thought very highly of him, and I want to continue to be able to think well of him even if we do not become a couple.  So, this is the outlook I am striving for.  And I think it’s healthy, and I’m proud of myself for not reverting back to old bad habits (at least in terms of not wanting to take everything so personally).

The gist is, I know that he likes me.  I mean, maybe more than like.  Like is such a light word.  He respects me.  He finds me humorous.  He told me I was pretty much perfect.  While maybe that was just blowing smoke, I’m going to (of course) take it for what it’s worth.  He said it, he has no reason to lie, and he’s known me long enough for these things to possibly be true in his mind.  So, fantastic.  I can rest assured that he cares for me.  As previously stated, there are a lot of obstacles.  Well, maybe not a lot.  Definitely one big one.  In addition to that, this person was friends with both my recent ex and myself for years, so it would cause a lot of talk.  But I am ok with that.  There’s more, but I won’t bore anyone with the details.  I just wanted to express that I am trying to keep this thought in my mind:  If it doesn’t work out, it won’t be for lack of mutual affection. 

Why do we want the things that are most difficult or taboo?  Maybe it’s just me.  That’s egotistical, though.  To assume that I’m the only one who does that, I mean.  So, no, it’s not just me.  But it is also me.  Sticky situations are my forte, so it seems.  Maybe I go after men who seem to be the hardest to lure in.  I am not going to make life easy on myself, am I?

Well, what would be the fun in that?

Lit blog to come soon.  Enough of this romance bullshit.

zoya:

few things are as delicious as a sugared lemon

 So, so true.