Ode to Narcissism

I don't know when else I'll have time...

So, let me provide you with an informative vent-post.

The guy who wanted a relationship after the first date is fucking insane.  Yes, I am well aware that I should have known.   In fact, if I’m going to be honest, I should just admit that I did know.  I was just drawn in by a pretty face.

I met him through a friend of mine.  On our first few dates, he was coming on very strong.  He wanted a relationship with me, he was “smitten” with me, and so on.  I was a little afraid of the intensity.  In addition, I was trying to stay true to my new vow to not jump into a relationship with anyone right way.  So, I was a little less enthusiastic than he was, but I still went out with him.  Then, he broke a date with me, and didn’t call me for about a week.  I took that as a sign that perhaps he was losing interest, and went out with the other guy I am dating in the interim.

Then, the next week, my friend invited me over and said that this guy would be there.  I almost didn’t go, because I wanted to avoid the awkwardness of seeing this person after not having heard from him in a week.  He contacted me, though, and said to come, and that he wanted to see me.  So, I went.  Two hours after he was supposed to be there, he calls my friend and explains that he will not be able to come, as he has something going on with his kid (yes, he has a three year old - yet another reason I should have avoided this whole train wreck).  I was bothered, as he asked me to come meet him there, but I was willing to just deal with it and have a good time anyway (which would not have been difficult, as I love my friend and always have a good time when over there).  I sent him a text message saying it was ok, that I was going to hang out there anyway with the people who were present.  The people present happened to include a friend of his notorious for being a womanizer.  So, what does he do?  He shows up at my friends house.  I was a little annoyed, but things went well.  We ended up talking outside for like three hours.  He asked me to go on another date with him for Tuesday, and told me that his intentions were to date me exclusively.  I told him that we should just take it one step at a time, as he hadn’t called me in a week and that we should hardly jump into any kind of relationship so quickly.  He was ok with that, or so he said, and reiterated that he wanted to go on a date in a few days (this was Saturday, and he was setting the date for Tuesday).  So, I went home and thought nothing of it.

We chatted a bit in between then and Tuesday.  Well, Tuesday comes up and what does he do?  He cancels on me, and sends me about 15 crazy texts messages about how he is not ready to be in a relationship and doesn’t have time to devote to me at the moment, and that he is tired of disappointing me by having to cancel dates due to his life situation, and so on and so forth.  And he does all of this via text, by the way.  So, I told him that was fine, but that I never asked him for a relationship - he was the one pushing for that.  I said that I had fun hanging out with him, but if he did not want to see me anymore, that was fine and that I wouldn’t try to convince him otherwise.  His response was to tell me he never meant to imply that he doesn’t want to see me again.  He sent me a heart photo and asked me to go out with him again on Wednesday.  In fact, his exact words were “Will you hang out with me tomorrow if I promise no cancellations?”.  And me, being the idiot that I am, agreed to see him.

Let me just pause there to explain what was going through my head at the time.  This guy was in the military, and has been in Japan the past two and a half years.  He has a three year old son that he found out about when the boy was a year and a half old.  The mother is someone he dated for approximately three months.  He cannot stand her.  He is in the process of looking for a job, as he has just returned to the country.  So, with all of this in mind, I have been extremely understanding of his situation.  I know he is a bit crazy, but the way I figured it, everyone can be a little crazy sometimes, and he is going through a lot at the moment.  I thought that if I could stick it out, there might be something there.  Not a relationship right away, but fun for a bit, at least.  And good conversation.

Anyway, so I was planning on seeing him after work yesterday.  I get off at 5:00 p.m., and told him to call me then and let me know where to meet him at.  So, at 3:00 p.m., he sends me two text messages, one right after the other.

The first said this: “I don’t want to play games with you.  I don’t think this is working between us.  I think it would be better if we just saw this for what it is. Sorry for everything.”

The second said: “I’m just not ready for anything new in my life right now.  It was never my intention to lead you on or hurt your feelings.  If it matters I am truly sorry for this.”

And that is where I reached my limit.  So, I told him very plainly (perhaps even a little too bluntly) that he was acting crazy.  I said that everyone has their limit, and I had reached mine.  I reiterated the fact that I never once asked for a relationship, and that, in fact, he had been the one pushing for a relationship and asking me to be exclusive with him.  I said I did not appreciate the hot-and-cold antics he was pulling, and that essentially I was done.

I am really bothered by this.  Am I missing something?  I guess I probably should have run when he first started talking about a relationship so very early on, but does me answering his calls and allowing him to pursue me in any way make me at fault for his hot-and-cold actions?  I mean, I have been very honest with him from the start, and I purposely did not pursue him.  He called me.  He texted me.  He initiated everything, including asking me out on dates.  So, where in those happenings did I ever ask him for a relationship, or to give me anything?

Nowhere.

And therein lies my confusion.

I could live with all of this if it wasn’t effecting my friendship with the person who introduced us.  I feel as if I can’t go over to her house anymore, or it will be viewed as me trying to run into him.  He does not live there, but he spends a lot of time over there because he is good friends with her boyfriend.  So, yeah… I guess I will not be seeing one of my best friends as much.  This is honestly the only thing that upsets me.  I can laugh off the rest as craziness.  This hurts, though.  Why should my friendship suffer because some guy is crazy and can’t figure out what he wants?

Yes, I’m 12.

Fuck today.

No more crazies, please.

The joke is over, God.

Seriously.

It’s not funny anymore.

Good morning.

So, I am finally beginning to understand that the economy is in a bad, bad place right now.

Last week, I was a shop-a-holic.  This week, I glanced at my bank statement and almost cried.

All of the saving I have been doing over the years is basically gone.  I still have a small chunk of change, but it is nowhere near where it used to be.  And I know that I have no one to blame for this but myself.  It’s a combo of my spending habits lately and the modified hours I’ve been working to accommodate school.

Someone very rich should pay for my schooling and living expenses for, like, two years.  That would be really, really nice.

I am still not on speaking terms with Jess.  This is bothering me, but as I still feel I am mostly in the right, I refuse to give in and chase after her.  I probably did not blog about the situation here, and I’m not sure I should.  Let me think on it some more.

I spoke with the married man yesterday, and the conversation went well.  I feel better.  Most of what he said was probably just lip-service, but I’ll give it a little time before I jump to any conclusions.  Plus, I want to believe what he said.  We’ll see what happens.  I know I’m flirting with disaster here, but that is just my nature, I guess.  When it blows up in my face, I will humbly listen to each and every one of your “I told you so”s.  (That was not grammatically correct.  My game is slipping a bit.  Fuck it).

I like Obama just about as much as the next person (with the exception of his stance on gay marriage - which pisses me off, because in the beginning of his campaign he was flirting with it a little.  His stance now is a total cop-out to win the more conservative votes.  BULLSHIT.  But I do understand) - but I am getting so sick and tired of all of the Hilary bashing.  Thank you, Internet, for reminding me that sexism is still alive and well.  And thank you, American politics, for reminding me that the glass ceiling for women is quite possibly never going away.

You know who I’m voting for.  He’s it.  And I’m glad - I just hope he reconsiders the gay marriage issue.

Also - I told this guy I was on a date with that I am what would be considered bisexual (although I don’t like labels).  I explained my history with women, and he said, “It’s ok.  All girls are.”  I almost jumped out of the car.

INTELLIGENT MEN - WHERE ARE YOU?  AND WHY WON’T YOU DATE ME?

Oh, wait.  That’s right.  It’s that whole “I am the worst person in the world to be in a relationship with” thing.  I forgot.

Intelligent women - I would write something to you, but you are much easier to find these days.

I also...

bought a hot pink pair of Damita K’s. Anyone who knows me knows that I generally do not wear pink, but when I saw those shoes I had to buy them. They are fanfuckingtastic. And then I had to buy a pink shirt to have something to match them with, although I will most likely end up wearing them with black most of the time.

Other than my shopping spree of today, not much is new.

I’ve been dating - nothing too crazy to report there. Just dating.

I spoke with the ex today. They are leaving on another tour tomorrow. We are supposed to get together for lunch and a chat when he gets back at the end of this month. Things were a little rough with the friendship for the last few weeks, but we’ve been talking more and working things out, so this is good.

I went to see the Sex and the City movie with my friend Stacy yesterday, and it was a very good time. Whatever your politics on the movie, I found it entertaining and consider it a very good girl-bonding movie.

In fact, while we’re on that subject, I feel so good about the path I’m taking lately. Instead of focusing all of my energy on men or relationships, I’ve been cultivating my female friendships and it is paying off in a big way. There is something so beautiful about the friendship that can exist between women - especially between intelligent, independent-minded, strong-willed women. As Stacy said of her platonic relationship development practices last night: “When I meet an interesting and intelligent woman, I snap her up right away.”
These relationships are almost more satisfying than being in a romantic relationship with someone. And I say “almost” because I need sex, and have not had any in awhile. The dates have tried - oh, have they - but I’m just not ready to delve into that yet. My animalistic needs are there, though. Hence the shoe shopping - I am trying to distract myself. I’m not throwing in the towel yet, but I am taking my time and being selective and enjoying myself without the weight of all of the “what if“‘s and the “what next“‘s.

So, here’s to being healthy. Or to trying to be, at least.

More of the trivial.

Things are strange at the moment.  I did not realize dating was so crazy.

I know I sound like a mindless, boy-crazed simpleton, as men and dating are pretty much all I’ve been blogging about, but… Men are strange creatures.  Mostly they make me mad, but sometimes they do things that surprise me.

One of the guys I went out on a date with is already talking about a relationship and told me he was “smitten” with me.  And that was on the second date.  Does this scare anyone else?  Or should I just be flattered?  I don’t know.  He’s very good-looking, so generally I am distracted by that and let him say very odd things and just sort of shrug them off.  I did tell him I was seeing other people, too, though.  Seemed like the fair thing to do.  He didn’t like it much, but we’ve been on a third date and a fourth is in the works.  

I have a date tomorrow night with the guy who took me on the great date I last blogged about (who should not be confused with the guy who is already talking about a “relationship”).  He thought of the PERFECT second date.  Really - I’m in no way serious about him, but he does plan good dates.  We’re going to this restaurant / arcade, so we can have dinner and drinks, and then run around the arcade.  Is it lame that I think this is perfect?  Oh, well.  I do.  Skee-Ball is the love of my life.

I spoke with the ex yesterday.  It didn’t go well.  He’s been trying to reconnect with a lot of our old friends that we lost contact with.  Specifically, he’s been hanging around with one friend who has been trying to get in my pants since WAY before the relationship ended.  And my ex knows this, and was furious at the time, but apparently now he’s willing to overlook it.  I guess now that I’m not with him anymore, it doesn’t bother him that someone who was his friend was trying to get me in bed behind his back.  Oh, well.  I can’t blame him for wanting friends again - for wanting to reconnect.  I’ve been there.  I know what it’s like.  It just makes me sad.  People like that do not care about him, and he deserves better. But you can’t save someone from themselves.  I warned him - that’s the extent of what I can do.  But he steadfastly refuses to return my things to me.  And the bastard is keeping our dog.  This frustrates me to no end.

I’ve been slacking off in school lately.  Not good.  I just have no motivation to finish anything.  I’m tired all the time, bored with everything… Finals are coming up, so I really need to get back into shape and actually start working hard and studying.  I can’t afford to screw around too much.  I don’t know why I’ve been doing this.  Sometimes I fuck up just to fuck up, I think.  No one can hold on so tightly for so long and not expect the thing they’re holding onto to squeeze right out of their hands.  

I have no idea what I’m doing, but I guess that’s normal for 23.   

Stereotypically feminine thing to blog about...

Last night, I had pretty much the best date ever.

There was nothing super extraordinary about it, and I am still not sure about the guy, but the night went well, I had a great time, and I’m so happy that I went.

I’m a little terrified of dating - I’ve canceled on this guy more than once - but something told me to give him a chance last night. And I’m so glad I did.

I still want the married man - but I don’t know what will happen there and I don’t want to know. I know it’s wrong, and I know some people are probably going to think less of me, but this is the selfish truth: I want what I want, and life is too damn short not to speak up for what you want. So, there it is. I guess I’m just a bad person. In my defense, though, I am not actively pursuing him. I’ve been keeping my distance, as has he. We’re trying to be good.

I’m sharing too much. Oh, well.

The Bad Girls Club = so, so crass. Yet, I can’t stop watching. The reunion episode is the worst/best.

Alright, I’m off to start my Saturday.

Oh, and my Native American Studies professor gave me the greatest idea ever - I’m going to compare Sherman Alexi’s life with those of the characters in his books to see what the similarities and differences are and analyze them. I am going to come up with a hypothesis concerning which character is closest to him. I’m thinking it’s Victor, but Thomas is probably a little there, too. I’ll blog more on this later.

I am a fucking idiot.

And I will give you one guess on why.

mmm hmm.

You’re absolutely correct.

To quote Tori Amos:  “When will I learn?”