Ode to Narcissism

For Billy.

Her death was a really hard thing to deal with. What a way to start the year off, and what a way to spend a birthday. I definitely miss her, and of course it’s the typical grief. But it’s more than that.

I think her death brought up a lot of issues that had been pushing to the surface these last few years. Hell, maybe they’ve been pushing to the surface longer than that, and I was just oblivious. She is the reason so many of us are considered “hard-headed women.” She was a matriarch in the fullest sense, and she never, ever let us forget that we are every bit as good and every bit as valid and every bit as deserving as any man. Not bad for someone who married at 20 and had 9 children. I saw this whole other side of her in the photographs they chose for the funeral. Her pin-up girl pose from 1946, her backless dress, and that photograph of her in front of that old chevy truck with her greaser ex boyfriend… There’s just so much I didn’t know until it was too damn late.

I think part of the reason I stay is because I know it’s going to hurt him when I go. That’s the crux. I know how badly that hurts and how cruel that seems to do to someone, and I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to be responsible for a pain like that. But maybe, just maybe, that’s the lesson. Maybe I’ve got to do it in order to understand. Maybe that is the only way I’ll ever empathize with the one who hurt me. Maybe that’s the path to forgiveness.

Here’s an old diary/blog entry (which quotes another old diary/blog entry) for your enjoyment:

“So, a few weeks ago, I wrote this:

‘I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the difference(s) between personal morality and outright wrong. There are certain things considered fundamentally wrong - murder, rape, sexual/physical abuse - but there are other things that aren’t so clearly categorized. Sometimes, with some things, the line is just blurred. What does it mean to be a good person? What does it entail? If you always do what the majority of your society deems good, does that make you good? What if while doing the aforementioned “good”, you ignore what your mind, soul, consciousness, etc. is telling you to do? What if you want to proverbially fuck up? Can you still be a good person if you do? Can you be a good person and be unhappy? Can you be a good person and not do what society deems correct?’

It has come to my attention (through my very own observation of my very own self) that I may be a bit of a bad person. At the very least, I am a selfish person. It’s not that I don’t care for other people. I do. It’s just that I am fundamentally selfish. I look out for myself. In fact, I downright overprotect myself. Mundane as this sounds, I think that over the years I have learned to block myself off from other people. That doesn’t mean people don’t understand what I’m feeling or why, or that I don’t care for other people, etc. - It just means that I do not let people get too close to me. I think this is a good thing - as it protects me from what, by nature, I am inclined to want to expose myself to. However, the negative aspect of this behavior is that I never truly connect with people. It’s all done on such a superficial level. I might talk, cry, smile, or even laugh with you. But at the end of the day, I go home and I doubt every word that came out of your mouth. No - more than doubt. I disregard everything that came out of your mouth and instead, I focus on the things that you didn’t say. And this is why, ultimately, sometimes, I think that I will end up alone.

Rich (the poet) said that writers, in particular, women writers, have to face so many things in order to be true to their craft and, in essence, their selves. We not only have to overcome every stereotype associated with our sex, but we also have to overcome the human condition of loneliness. “Overcome” might be the wrong word. We have to accept the fact that, by choosing to be who and what we are, we are choosing to be alone. We may never marry or have children, or truly love and be loved by another person. It’s a sad possibility, but it’s life, I guess.

I don’t know where I am going with all of this. I never really do. It just had to be said, I guess. Sometimes I think I put too little faith in the power of catharsis.

Anyway…”