Ode to Narcissism

Memory is a funny thing.

When I was about five years old, I saw a monarch butterfly land on the cement walkway that leads to the front door.  This wasn’t a rare sighting, but I was excited, nonetheless.  I called my brother over and pointed it out to him.  He was about four at the time.  I was admiring the yellow-orange brightness of the thing when my brother did something odd.  He walked over to the butterfly and promptly squashed it with his foot.

I remember being very upset at the time.  Distraught is more the word I am looking for.  I was absolutely devastated.  I told my mother, who admonished him for doing something so cruel for no reason at all.

I don’t know what made me think of this today, but it lead me to thinking about some of the men I’ve dated.  Well, in all honesty, it made me think of one that still stings a little bit.  

Maybe that is just the way some men are.  Maybe there is something in them that makes them have to crush the things that they should be gentle with.  Maybe they don’t know any better.  Maybe it’s instinct.  Maybe it’s just because they don’t understand what they are doing.  It’s something that, in time, they probably grow out of.  At least, it seems like they do.

Should my brother be forgiven for smashing that butterfly?  Of course.  Because he was four, and didn’t know any better, and couldn’t understand the cruelty of what he did.  He certainly wouldn’t do the same thing now that he’s older, but the past can’t be changed.  It just is what it is. 

These lyrics came to mind, too, and not just because of the title of the song:

“I’m sorry for what I did
I did what my body told me to
I didn’t mean to do you harm
Everytime I pin down what I think I want it slips away
The ghost slips away.”

- Weezer, “Butterfly”, from the album Pinkerton