Ode to Narcissism

Sunday.

I went to Huntington with Jolene and Chris.  I wasn’t planning on going anywhere.  I was in one of those “I’m going to mope around and do nothing” moods, but then I thought about it and decided that getting out of the house is good for me right now.  So, I called her up and asked her what she was doing for the day, and we all decided to head down to the beach.  My skin tone now is only slightly pale (down from blindingly white).  So, the day was a success.

This is ridiculous, but being in the ocean made me think of Chopin’s The Awakening, and about how that is an escape story, really.  It’s sad that we can feel so trapped by what society dictates is acceptable and unacceptable behavior.  I think, ultimately, Edna would have been unhappy in her marriage anyway.  She obviously married the wrong person for her, and desired freedom, which marriage has a tendency to stifle.  Had divorce been a less scandalous option, she probably would have fared much better.  Obviously there are other factors to consider, such as the history of gender roles, which would have been in effect regardless of how accepting her society was of divorce.  What I mean to say is, even now, in our society, being divorced, wanting to be single, or being financially independent as a woman all have their own stigmas attached.  And really, Edna did go against the grain and face the scrutiny and scandal by doing what she knew in her heart she couldn’t continue to live without doing.  She left her husband, set up her own household, and took lovers.  She was strong, for a short while.  But in the end, the strain and the deep sadness of being an outcast or being too different was too much for her.  I think her breaking point was, undoubtedly, Robert’s cowardice in running away, but that was not the whole of it.  It was deeper than that.  It was a culmination of everything that had been holding her back and that would continue to hold her back in her life.  It was divorce, it was her children, it was society, it was her own desire for companionship and love… all of it contributed to that last final swim in the ocean.  And what a shame, really, that she was awakened only to go back to a different kind of slumber.

It makes me wonder what lies in store for the rest of us.  We women who want that freedom from constraint, who want financial, emotional, and social independence.  How well will we fare when all of our wishes are finally made possible?  In fact, truth be told, those wishes are attainable now.  I can be financially independent.  I can be emotionally and socially independent.  But will I be truly happy?  Or will I still crave the company of men?  I think we all know the answer to that.  But what does it mean?  Anything?  Maybe it’s just companionship in general I crave.  Maybe gender has nothing to do with it.  Or maybe there’s a man out there that I can love and have that companionship with without giving up these things that are so important to me and the kind of life that I want to live.  If he exists, I have yet to meet him.  And, sadly, I doubt I ever will.

You’ll have to forgive me if this is not exactly a thorough and well thought-out analysis of The Awakening.  It’s still relatively early in the morning here.

Anyway, the beach was nice.  The weather was beautiful.  It reminded me of why I love California so much, and why I can’t leave just yet.