Ode to Narcissism

I'm sorry.

Right now, I am in a weird place.  I feel as if there are two sides of myself in combat.

The first (and we’ll call her Side A) wants to be in a relationship.  She wants the marriage, the house, the kids, et al.  She wants to believe that this is the right path, because it is natural, and not necessarily because it is what they tell you is right.  She wants this so bad that she is having to restrain herself from crawling back to her ex on hands and knees just to be able to say, “I finally made it work!  What a success I am!”

And then there’s the second (and we’ll call her, you guessed it, Side B).  She wants none of this archaic, preconceived bullshit.  None of it at all.  Marriage is a way to remain firmly under thumb, and she doesn’t much feel like feeding herself to the wolves.  She wasn’t happy with the ex, and is tired of being mistreated by men.  She doesn’t want to end up like her mother, firmly under her father’s boot-heel.  No, thank you.

My old ex best friend (I always use this phrase because it makes me think of the similar line in that Jim Croce song, “Operator”) once told me, “Nothing can ever be in the middle with you.  It’s always black or white, and that is not reality.”  She was right.  But a lot of good that does me.  I have no idea how to fix this monumental character flaw.

This guy I had a (very short-lived) thing with has this saying (which I am certain he plagiarized from somewhere, as he is really not as bright as he would have everyone believe he is).  It goes like this:  “I believe I have a character profoundly antagonistic to ordinary domestic life.”  I think it applies to me.  I think that no matter how right things are, how perfect, how in love the other person is with me, I will find a way to fuck it up.  And I think it’s because I am afraid of being domesticated.  I am fucking terrified of what it would entail, and who I would become, and how much I would loathe myself for not ever being more.

At the same time, I am also terrified that I just threw away something lasting.  I have not let this thought develop fully, because if I do let it fester and grow, I’m afraid I will lose my mind a little, and go chasing after him.  And I don’t think that is what I should do. 

He deserves better, and so do I.

I do love you, though.  And I’m sorry.  I wish I could be better for you.  I’m just not.