Ode to Narcissism

More fodder for the fire.

fuck fuck fuck fuck

I feel so god damned lost right now.  So in over my head, I can’t even laugh at myself about it.  

Why do we want the things we want?  And what happens after we get those things?  Is the chase the only real thrill?  Do we only want what’s difficult or impossible to get?

I don’t know why I’m saying “we”.  It’s just me - fucking shit up per usual.

I’m trying to take comfort in the fact that my conscience is bothered a little.  I feel guilty.  I’m sure I’d be a worse person if it weren’t so.  But what I want is very fucking bad and will hurt a lot of people.  Including me, in the end, probably.  But I still want it.  So badly I can barely focus on anything else.  And even now, as I’m writing this, I know exactly what I’m going to try to do.  And it’s wrong.  So very, very wrong.  But I want it.  And I’m selfish.  And I’m going to do it anyway, if I can.  Damn the consequences - and the casualties.

I’m off to feed myself to the wolves again. 

Feel free to laugh when this all blows up in my face.  Trust me, I’ll deserve it.