Ode to Narcissism

We’ve the ultimate key to the cause right here.

I went for drinks with my ex yesterday.  It was the first time we have seen each other since our breakup in April.

It was nice, and surprisingly painful.

We have been keeping in touch.  We both know we’re dating other people.  That is all understood.  There have been no sobbing “take me back” phone calls, no “I still love you“‘s, no “please“‘s.  Nothing at all like that.  Hence why I suppose I was so surprised by the painfulness of it.

I was fine until we were ready to go.  In fact, I think my speech is what prompted our departure, but I have no way of really knowing.  The check came, we paid, and then I told him I still loved him, and was very sorry for the way I treated him the last year we were together.  I’ll admit, weak as this is, I teared up a little.  He did, too, then excused himself to the restroom so (I assume) I wouldn’t see him cry.  We hugged, then went our separate ways.

A few moments later, while driving on the freeway, I received a text message from him that said:

“I still love you, too.  I’m sorry I couldn’t say that to you.  I’m glad we hung out.”

I cried.  Of course. 

I do still love him.  Or, rather, I still have love for him.  I miss him.  But, at the same time, I don’t see us getting back together.  I don’t want to.  Not now, anyway.  Maybe never.  I haven’t really thought much about it. 

He said he wants to be a lawyer now.  This is going to sound cruel, but I felt like rolling my eyes.  He always wants to be something.  Three months ago he was talking about becoming a cop.  Last year, it was a teacher.  I have absolutely no expectations of any of those things happening.  He simply lacks the motivation to pursue these things.  He even went as far as to tell me, yet again, that he is considering quitting music.  Yeah.  Right.

I had my hair cut short yesterday.  I am still getting used to it, and learning how to style it, but I think I like it. 

The trip to San Francisco is on.  It is all coming together very nicely, and I am very excited.

So many new things going on right now, and I sincerely love and am so grateful for them all.

I will blog again very soon.