Ode to Narcissism

This time I as “I” and not as “we”…

Ok.  So, perhaps that “I will blog again very soon” statement was a bit of a lie.  But, I am here now.

I am going to Vegas for the weekend.  I am very glad and excited about this.  I need a vacation.  Work has been stressful lately.  My boss still has not gotten back to me concerning my raise.  I am reaching the end of my rope.  5 years is too long to be overworked, underpaid, and under-appreciated.  I am transferring schools by Winter.  If he doesn’t pay me what I am asking for, I may just have to find something else.  Or live off of student loans for awhile.  I know it’s not a good idea to do so, but I am fed up and tired of wasting my youth toiling in a “career” that I dislike.

I have noticed there has been some discussion of female body image on Tumblr lately.  I know that this is an issue that his been talked about again and again when it comes to women, and that it probably will always be a subject talked about where women are concerned.  That can be annoying.  At the same time, it is an issue that affects women on a daily basis.  As nonchalant as I try to be at all times, it affects me, as well.  I worry about gaining weight.  I worry about my attractiveness (to men or to women) based upon my weight/appearance.  I worry about what I eat and drink, or don’t eat and don’t drink.  I wish I could be a size 2 again and stay that way forever.  It’s pretty common, from what I gather.

In high school and the beginning of my college years, I weighed approximately 100 pounds.  I was often told I was “too skinny” and that I needed to put some “meat” on my bones.

Now, I have put some meat on my bones.  I am what is still considered “petite”.  I am 5’3 - almost 5’4.  I weight about 120 (although this fluctuates about 5 pounds up or down from time-to-time).  I have never been called “fat.”  I do not often feel fat.  I do often feel out of shape, though.  I honestly do not care what I weigh, as long as I feel comfortable in my own skin and as long as I feel healthy.  I know that I do not eat as healthy as I could, especially considering that I am a vegetarian.  I do tend to eat junk food or convenient food, especially when I am out and about (which is often).  On the days that I am home for dinner, I tend to go with something less fattening, such as vegetable stir-fry. 

Anyway, all of that aside, I have no idea how to accurately express my stance on this issue.  From a sexual point of view, I have found myself attracted to all kinds of women - short, tall, ”chubby”, ”skinny”, and all of the grey areas in between.  At the same time, I find myself attracted to a certain type of body more than another.  I generally like women who are around my height or slightly taller, and who are not too skinny, have some curves, but that are not obese.  I suppose this makes me a bad person, and I will no doubt be looked down upon for having this opinion - but that is how I feel, from a strictly sexual point of view.

As for men, I have been with all types of them, as well.  Mostly men who are “portly” or “stout”, for lack of a better word.  I do not know why my taste in men has been so different from my taste in women, or if that even matters.

I’ve always joked that I like my women very feminine, and my men very manly.  I have no idea why this is so.

However - and this has been said by many people ad nauseam - it depends entirely upon the personality of the person.

I was infatuated with my ex roommate (prior to us living together).  She is, by most standards, very beautiful.  She is very skinny, as well.  A size 0 or a size 2, at most.  She has done some extra work, modeling, and a music video or two.  When I met her, I was smitten.  I thought she was absolutely drop-dead gorgeous.  One of the most beautiful women I have ever seen.  However, the more I got to know her, the less I liked her.  After a short stint living together (during which there may have been a slight sexual encounter or two), we now no longer speak at all.  My opinion has completely changed, and I no longer consider her beautiful.  It’s funny how that works.

I am not going anywhere with this.  Just rambling.

My ex will not stop calling me.  I do not know what to do about this.  He found out I have been seeing someone else and now he wants to see me all the time.  I am trying to be a good person, and to be mature, and to be sensitive, but it is very difficult.  I do not know what I want - except that I do know that I do not want to get back together.  At all.  And I do not know how to communicate this to him without hurting him or spoiling this “keeping in contact” thing that we have going on.

Oh, well.

So, yes… Vegas until the 5th, then San Francisco from the 22 to the 25th.  This is going to be a busy month for me.

I have to return to work now, but I have more to say on a different subject.

I will blog again in a few hours. 

<3