Ode to Narcissism

Steady My Soul and Ease My Worry…

I have been listening to a lot of Cat Power lately.  Chan has an amazing voice. 

Vegas was a lot of fun, but it was also equally frustrating.  I will never stay at the New York - New York again.  It was a pretty fucking terrible experience, and their Assistant GM is an ageist and sexist prick.

That aside, the Hard Rock Hotel’s pool is very nice, although the typical crowd populates it in the summer.  I felt I was missing the huge fake boobs and orange-tinged tan required to fit in.  Pink Taco is not overrated, their food is actually good and modestly priced (for Vegas).  Body English is hilarious, and I actually had a good time drinking, dancing, and people-watching while there.  I don’t care if I ever actually go there again, though.

The new guy and I fought a little, which was almost entirely my fault, I will admit.  We made up, though, and the rest of the trip went relatively smoothly.  I see why he loves Vegas so much.  It’s a lot of fun.  If I were richer, I would go out more often.

My boss still has yet to talk to me about my raise.  He said he would on Monday.  It is now Tuesday.  We’ll see what happens.  I know I am getting something, I just don’t know if I’m going to get what I want.

My San Francisco trip is coming up and I am nervous, excited, scared, and a bunch of other emotions jumbled together.  

My ex and I went for a drink before I left for Vegas.  He was fine until we got in the car to leave.  It was excruciatingly painful to hear what he had to say.  He cried, and told me that I was ”right about everything.”  He says he loves me, he can’t be without me, he compares every other girl to me and doesn’t see the point in dating anyone who isn’t me.  He wants to be together.  He doesn’t think we can just be friends.  He will not be able to handle it if I get a boyfriend.  He is terrified that I will fall in love with someone else and forget about him.

My response was a combination of “Everything will be ok” and “I just need time.”  I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I have been done for years.  I was emotionally cut-off from our relationship the last year or so we were together.  I have love for him, but I am not in love with him.  I am done.  How could you say something like that to someone?  How can anyone be so cruel?  I can’t do it.  Maybe I’m a coward.  So be it.

I have been bowling a lot lately.  My arms and legs are sore, but in a good way.  The new guy likes to bowl, so that is a plus.  He also likes to go to the movies.  That is also a plus.  The ex never wanted to do these things.  He never wanted to do much of anything.

Speaking of movies, we went to the drive-in the other night.  I hadn’t been to a drive-in movie since I was, like, 8.  It was great.  I remember now why it was so fun to go as a kid.  I saw “Pineapple Express” and “Step Brothers” (double-feature, yet another great thing about the drive-in).  I didn’t much care for the company, though, other than the new guy.  His friend doesn’t much care for me.  I am not his type of girl.  And the date he brought is an idiot.  Maybe I’m just cruel, but she seemed like an idiot.  A 21 year old blond, unapologetic for her rudeness and vapid to boot.  In her defense, she was nice and somewhat friendly before we left the house, during our games of beer pong.  The other couple were friends of hers.  The other girl was also an idiot.  Perhaps I should be nice and just say they weren’t my type of people.  Or I could continue to be honest.

I am scared of this new guy, and of this relationship that is developing.  I like him a lot.  He seems like a good person.  We get along well (and we fight, but the making up is nice).  I think most of our fights are my attempts at sabotage due to my fear.  I am trying to stop this, and things have been better since I have acknowledged what I have been doing.

I’ve got to get to work now.  A Stock Transfer issue is calling my name.

<3