Ode to Narcissism

- Toni Morrison

Sometimes it’s hard to face things that we don’t want to see.  Especially when we see ourselves practicing a certain kind of ideology that is most likely inescapable.

I write  a lot of shit, but I very rarely write something true.  So let me give it a shot, even if I fall short.

Love is complex, because it is full of conflicting notions.  And I honestly don’t know how much of what I know or comprehend of love is dogmatic practice, how much is genuine emotion… how much is constructed, and how much is natural.  I don’t know.  I can only guess.

And right now, I’m feeling pretty shitty about my version of love.  I’m perplexed by the ways in which I express my love, my limits in terms of loving someone or being loved by someone, my expectations and whether or not they are unreasonable or whether I am questioning their reasonableness because someone else has judged them unreasonable…

Where do you draw the line?  How do you stay true to your convictions without being closed-minded?  How much can you bend before you break, and is breaking good, or is it bad?

The only way that I know how to love someone is by fully loving them.  In every sense of the word.  And this includes both claiming them sexually, and deeming myself theirs sexually.  Which has a whole lot of implications about my view of femininity, feminism, and even humanism.  Why is the sex so important?

I like to believe that I am all that my lover requires sexually.  I like to believe that they are only attracted to me, because our love is so strong.

I know this is stupid, and unrealistic, and perhaps even wrong… but I still want to believe this, and I still find myself, when in love (which is rare), clinging to this ideal version of love and relationship with white-knuckled determination.  I will not let this go.

And I actually ask my lover to lie to me - to tell me this is true.  So I can stay, and be content, and maybe even happy.

And when a lover can’t grant me this lie, it really depresses me.

So, what does that say about me?

Nothing good, I’d wager.